Fast food on Christmas Eve…

For the most part, I’m a fairly self-contained person.  I’ve understood for many years that my happiness, my well-being and the overall quality of my life are dependent upon me.  Not anyone else.  Me.  I am solely responsible for and the maker of my own happiness – it’s not someone else’s job.  Truly, once a person grasps that concept about life, life becomes much easier.  Love becomes much easier… and the spiritual quality of one’s relationship with God can become even greater.

Rarely do I ever feel lonesome or alone, but, despite my best efforts I get hit with that deep sorrowful pang of emptiness and the realization that, through the course of the past decade, while recovering from an illness and fighting to get my life back on track, I’ve stepped away from most of my friends and still have a vacant gap there, and that I have relatives – people I’m related to-more than a family. 

This realization happens 3 times a year.

Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday.

Tonight, around eight this evening hunger drove me out of the house in search of food.  Even the fast food places were closed.  The night was especially quiet, a stray car occasionally passing by on it’s way to friends or family to share the blessings of Christmas Eve.  Colorful lights were glittering from homes filled with the energy of family and friends.

And it hit me.  That pang of deep sorrow. 

I squeezed my eyes shut and refused to cry. 

I found a Box in the Jack that was open, collected my food (which was REALLY worse than any fast food I’ve ever, but seldom eaten), made my way home, focusing on shaking that moment of reality and loss.  That feeling of being on the outside looking in.  That feeling of missing Jo (this is the first Christmas without her) and another – whom I’m not quite sure why I miss so much since that one was always famous for brain clouds during the holidays, but the fact is – I do miss them.  Both of them.

I’ve too much to do to feel sorry for myself… and I’ve come to far to give up…  deep breathes ..

I never want to eat fast food soggy fries on Christmas Eve again. 

Ever.

So, I won’t.

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4 responses to “Fast food on Christmas Eve…

  1. We may be miles away but there are lots of us out here who are with you in spirit. I know it doesn’t help when you are down but …
    *** HUGS ***
    Devorah

  2. Thanks, Devorah, I’m doing ok. Really. I’m sad, but not really that down… and as the day goes on, I’ll be too busy to let the sadness linger. Last night’s tear fighting moment was one of those reality checks that makes me look at my life, who is and isn’t in my life, who’s real and who’s just fluff and window dressing. Things that are good to know! *smiles and hugs you back*

  3. Your response to Devorah is true, but sh*t it hurts like hell. And to me, it seems the holidays are such a trigger. (((((Sprite)))

  4. Yeah, Susan, it does hurt. It’s very rare I feel that kind of pain, but it was loud and clear this Christmas Eve.

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