For the most part, I’m a fairly self-contained person. I’ve understood for many years that my happiness, my well-being and the overall quality of my life are dependent upon me. Not anyone else. Me. I am solely responsible for and the maker of my own happiness – it’s not someone else’s job. Truly, once a person grasps that concept about life, life becomes much easier. Love becomes much easier… and the spiritual quality of one’s relationship with God can become even greater.
Rarely do I ever feel lonesome or alone, but, despite my best efforts I get hit with that deep sorrowful pang of emptiness and the realization that, through the course of the past decade, while recovering from an illness and fighting to get my life back on track, I’ve stepped away from most of my friends and still have a vacant gap there, and that I have relatives – people I’m related to-more than a family.
This realization happens 3 times a year.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday.
Tonight, around eight this evening hunger drove me out of the house in search of food. Even the fast food places were closed. The night was especially quiet, a stray car occasionally passing by on it’s way to friends or family to share the blessings of Christmas Eve. Colorful lights were glittering from homes filled with the energy of family and friends.
And it hit me. That pang of deep sorrow.
I squeezed my eyes shut and refused to cry.
I found a Box in the Jack that was open, collected my food (which was REALLY worse than any fast food I’ve ever, but seldom eaten), made my way home, focusing on shaking that moment of reality and loss. That feeling of being on the outside looking in. That feeling of missing Jo (this is the first Christmas without her) and another – whom I’m not quite sure why I miss so much since that one was always famous for brain clouds during the holidays, but the fact is – I do miss them. Both of them.
I’ve too much to do to feel sorry for myself… and I’ve come to far to give up… deep breathes ..
I never want to eat fast food soggy fries on Christmas Eve again.
So, I won’t.